The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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