no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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