sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
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