Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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