He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize