Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
