I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
