big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
