His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
