i just sent this text using only my big toe
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
