she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize