You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
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