nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
He literally asked permission to hit on me
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
