I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
