i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
