So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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