He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
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