On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
