I think I won the penis lottery.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
