As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
