im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I pour the whiskey from now on
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
