I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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