I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
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