Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
