Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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