How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Oh god it's open bar.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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