sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize