YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
