The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
