theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
