Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
