just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
