I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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