she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
