i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
4 words: hood of his car
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
