Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
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