paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize