he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
