wanna go halves on a baby?
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
you win again, gameday.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Boobs speak an international language.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
