when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
