if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
