hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
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