what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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