woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Mom said you looked used
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize