I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
