Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
that may or may not have been my penis.
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