Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Randomize
