You don't have asthma, your pregnant
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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