My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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