I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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