I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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