I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
