we're chasing vodka with high fives
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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