took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
