I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Randomize
