I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
