I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
