the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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