Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
someone get that fucking seahorse.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
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