If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
