my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
