So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
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