you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
