Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize
