FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Randomize
