She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
