I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
