I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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