You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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