Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
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