so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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