I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Randomize
