I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
