I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
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