the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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